Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
