If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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