Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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