I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
