I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
