someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
