I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
