I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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