I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
