she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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