If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
