Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
