at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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