New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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