he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
