I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
