i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
you made out with another girl for some wings
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
