As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
the liver wants what the liver wants
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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