If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
