I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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