You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
