Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
