i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
