Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
