so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
