I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
