My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
