I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
