3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
