that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
