Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Randomize
