I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
