So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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