she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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