I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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