I faked an abortion last night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
