Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
