Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
