Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
