im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Boobs are out for the taking
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
