im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
