You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
