How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
