I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
