she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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