just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
