I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
