4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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