he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
