I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
