the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
